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Joke of the Day

"ME: What tattoo should I get? TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection. ME: One ravioli on my thigh please."

"What do you call meat that is on sale for half off in the south? Roadkill"

"The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, ""Living the dream"" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys."

"What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? Their balls are just for decoration"

"Totally thought I was on the phone with my mom for an hour today. Was Daniel Day Lewis the whole time. Damn he's good."

"TIL: The Flintstones is actually quite controversial in Saudi Arabia, because Dubai really doesn't like it... But Abu Dhabi do!"

"How do you catch a politician? With a special interest group, or evidence of a sex scandal."

"Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up."

"If you work for Samsung.. does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?"

"I like how supermarkets don't give a shit if an avocado is anywhere near ripe. They're like ""here, buy this, it may eventually become food"""