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Joke of the Day

"Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it."

"Ughh...7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends...7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?"

"Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy."

"*turns on shower* *shower whispers ""eat donuts for breakfast"" & ""get drunk tonight""* Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure"

"So Five Night's at Freddy's 3 was announced Is it going to have a dead horse animatronic that you have to beat?"

"1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl."

"What do vacuums and woman have in common? The more you pay, the better they suck."

"Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?"

"How do you tell an Italian has a flat tire? Diego wop wop wop ."

"A guy noticed his friend was late for work... ""Where have you been?"" he asked. ""To my mother-in-law's burial."" ""Then why the scratches on your face?"" ""She kept resisting, that old fart."""