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Joke of the Day

"What do being in the mafia and cunnilingus have in common... One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!"

"*puts on layers of running gear* *makes a ponytail* *laces up sneakers* *drives to McDonalds*"

"In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice."

"I am so bored in my current profession. I am thinking of becoming a bartender... ...to shake things up a bit."

"What do a hot girl and my little toe have in common? I bang them both on my coffee table at night."

"[robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!"

"[deathbed] Son....come closer ""Yes dad?"" We need a new man of the house ""I'd-"" *presses fake mustache into his hands* Give this to your sister"

"Emergency Landing: Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on... *to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP"

"I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet."

"""KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE'RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!"" -- Centipede parents"