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Joke of the Day

"Why should you never mess with an angry dysentery patient? They lose their shit over the smallest things!"

"*runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?"

"What does a physics cow say? "

"Me: *singing ""Don't stop believing""* Joe: What are you doing? Me: Practicing for Journey duty J: You mean Jury duty? M: No, it says...shit"

"A man had a tumor shaped like a bomber plane. It was B-9."

"I knew you were trouble when you said you didn't drink."

"What does racist matthew mcconaughey say? alt-right, alt-right, alt-right"

"Happy 12th birthday to Google. Only one year left to use it, dears! When it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything."

"A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind."

"PSA for vacationing families: Don't let your kids play PokemonGo at Disney. They'll get eaten by wild Feraligatrs."