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Joke of the Day

"*girl rests her head on my shoulder* -Are you flexing? -No"

"I watched ""The Edge of Tomorrow"" hundreds of times there seems to be an awful lot of alternative endings though."

"What do you call hand warmers scattered throughout a room? Intermittens."

"Baby, you remind me of a perennial... cause you always make me come more than once."

"How do Muslims do foreplay? They tickle the goat on the chin."

"What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order."

"Q: What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? A: Wheeeeee!"

"Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn't mean to one-up you. I'll pipe down."

"What branch of the military are horses in? The NaaaaayyyVY"

"Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves."