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Joke of the Day

"Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?"

"Why don't rabbits make any noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls"

"[flash mob in front of me & my girl] [I join in then kneel down gasping] ""Will you.."" ""YES!... YE.."" ""grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?"""

"A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, ""Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."""

"Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything. Ninja: So does a samurai sword. L: But does it make a cool noise? N: *cuts off Luke's other hand*"

"Why do political yes-men use so much Raid? Because they're sycophants!"

"""Please. Make yourself at home."" *Brings cat and litter box inside* *Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*"

"RIP Robin Williams I dont think hes coming back through a board game this time though"

"Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say ""I'm Irish"". No."

"When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular person in the world."