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Joke of the Day

"I live in upstate New York You know, normally I'd say ""Fuck the Weather"", but these days, I'm pretty sure it's way under 18."

"Fe Fi Fo Fum Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb"

"A priest walks into a shoemakers shope... And says to the cobbler, ""Help! My soles need heeling!"""

"[airport security pulls Robocop aside] -Got ID? I AM A POLICE OFFIC- -Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u. THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH- -Save it pal"

"If I had a nickel for every time I had sex, I would ask my pimp for a raise."

"I'm never more irritated by fashion than when I'm trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!"

"How do you unload a truck load of puppies? With a pitchfork"

"My wife caught me cross-dressing... ...and said we're finished. So I packed her clothes & left."

"""That's not Captain Kirk."" is what I like to say just after the pilot makes his first announcement & then everyone laughs in my head."

"If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence."