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Joke of the Day

"Husband: I'm going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax. Me: sounds awesome! H: Will you get them ready for me?"

"Miss Piggy Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because when she gets to 69, there's a frog in her throat"

"Sorta miss my kid today. Guess it's true what they say about not knowing what you've got until you've sold it to a gypsy."

"I'm sorry, you can't check your disobedient child on this flight. Guess you'll have to carry on your wayward son"

"Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors? So they can park in handicap spots."

"Don't believe that bullshit. Failure is ALWAYS an option."

"My neighborhood barber just went to jail for dealing drugs... I never knew he was a barber.."

"What happens to superficial people when they die? They end up in a shallow grave."

"Whenever a girl refuses to tell a magician her age, he cuts her in half to count the rings."

"If ever you're feeling down, and I can't be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch."