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Joke of the Day

"My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg. Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now."

"I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. But sometimes I put both my legs in the same pant leg and pretend I'm a mermaid."

"Using a phone case is like buying a Ferrari and gluing Corolla body panels to it."

"Steelers defense, last night."

"What did one snowman say to the other? ...do you smell carrots?"

"How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you."

"A Goat walked into a bar, and the bartender said WTF is a Goat doing in here? the end"

"Never make fun of fat girls with lisps... They're thick and tired of it."

"What do you call a disobedient feline pirate? A mew-tineer! And what do you call a genetically altered cow? A moo-tant, of course!"

"I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family."