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Joke of the Day

"What scratches the window before it explodes? A baby in a microwave"

"""You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You're an amazing singer!"" - Vodka"

"Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh...sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT"

"Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out."

"What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z? They're not infallible"

"All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed...I don't have ugly children."

"A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student."

"A farmer planted a crop of puns They were home groan."

"What do you call a mentally challenged feather pillow? A downs pillow."

"Which two letters of the alphabet are nothing? MT (empty) ."