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Joke of the Day

"[parole hearing] ""What will u do if released?"" ""Kill everyone on the jury."" ""What?"" ""Buy everyone jewellery."" ""Aw. Granted."""

"[God creating the octopus] Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag."

"LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don't want to explain to the Paramedics."

"What made Bruce decide against Jacqueline for his new name? He was afraid his nickname would be Jockie."

"What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert? Darude Sandstorm."

"I used to be an adventurer like you But then I took crippling adult responsibilities."

"What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless"

"How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentickles"

"Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into."

"How do you tell a good monster from a bad one? If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!"