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Joke of the Day

"How come squirrels get a pass to bury whatever they want in the park but the cops go crazy when I try to bury one tiny bloody knife?"

"My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale."

"I have one friend who is very creepy and intense and whenever we take a photo together all I can think is ""this will be on Dateline someday"""

"*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua* ""Wait, if you're here then that means"" *cut to a horse peeking it's head out of Paris Hiltons purse*"

"Two fish are in a tank.. One turns to the other and asked ""Do you know how to drive this thing?"""

"What do you call an anti-diuretic wine? Penot More"

"New users will never know about the old Twitter. I'll tell them stories of it, and how I walked uphill both ways. In the snow."

"A Proton goes into a bar and orders a drink,when he asks how much the drink will cost the Bartender says ""That will be $3.50."""

"I want my children to have all the things that I never had. Like nice children..."

"What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl urinates? There is no sound... The P is silent."