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Joke of the Day

"in kindergarden i pooped my pants and got insanely mad when another kid asked me about it, and that's also the president's PR strategy"

"Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse: If you're hot, she's cold If you're comfortable, she's cold If you're cold, she's not in the car"

"CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours? ME: no, he's adopted"

"Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fucking know. Chickens don't even know what roads are he probably thought it was a field."

"My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor."

"[sees someone use multiple contradictory excuses to compel faith-based behavior] perhaps i can reason you out of this using history and laws"

"Don't know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic"

"2 drunks meet on the street One says ""please allow me to pass between you"" The other replies ""alright, just please do it one at a time"""

"(Possible trigger) I wanted to smoke a joint with some Mexicans today.. I asked if anybody had papers and they all ran."

"Why hiring foreign workers can be bad... Boss: Where were you born? Woman: Germany Boss: Really? Which part? Woman: what you mean which part? Whole body born in Germany!"