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Joke of the Day

"You think you can escape Stalin's prison camps? Hah, gulag with that."

"Emergency Landing: Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on... *to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP"

"""IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???"" [i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]"

"Have you heard about Trumps revision of Obama phones? You'll be able to trade them in for a alarm clock and job application."

"Removing the skin of an orange... That's appealing."

"*Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN"

"How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance."

"How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus? It was a no brainer."

"Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic."

"i like when people call cheap liquor ""rot gut"", implying that more expensive liquors wont also ravage their guts with harsh chemical solvent"