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Joke of the Day

"I just sneezed so violently, I think it qualifies as an ab workout. (Screw you, I'm counting it.)"

"Sorry a lot of sand came out of my sleeve when I shook your hand; I went to the beach six years ago."

"*wife puts down dinner plate* *single pea rolls off plate* Me: oh no we have an esca-pea Wife: Me: I don't care I think it's still funny"

"""You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something."" Good idea, Oscar. What'd you have in mind?"

"What can I get you to drink? ""Pepsi"" Is Peps- Uh one moment please [In kitchen, to manager] I don't know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?"

"A UDP packet walks into a I would tell you another UDP joke but you might not get it."

"Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness."

"Why did the prostitute cross the road? To go to the motel with her client so they could have some fucking privacy."

"What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."

"Why do Africans get scared when they get diarrhea? Because they think they are melting...."