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Joke of the Day

"No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you."

"My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

"My son's taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone's talking about anymore."

"Hey guurl. ""Hey there."" Feeling lonely tonight? ""I have a boyfriend."" Why are you talking to me then? ""You haven't taken my order yet."""

"An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It's a wonder children can sleep at all."

"The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I've been cheating on my diet. I'm not even sure how they'd know that"

"Wine improves with age. I improve with wine."

"I was gonna make a gay joke but thats intolerant."

"My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult."

"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."