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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*"

"I will do a lot of things but admiting I'm cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one."

"That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once"

"What's that one place in Thailand called? Ahh Phuket. Nevermind."

"I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it."

"My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I'm thinking about getting her a treadmill."

"Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition... ...and discovered that he'd gravely misunderstood the objective."

"What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love."

"You know how most packages say ""Open here"". What is the protocol if the package says ""Open somewhere else""?"

"How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister's jaw in."