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Joke of the Day

"Lesbians are like stray cats. There are more of them than you think."

"God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL [angels look nervously at one another]"

"How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb... Two, one to do the job, and another to shoot all the witnesses."

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field."

"A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!"

"What do you call a deaf quadriplegic? Whatever you want"

"I want to have sex with McKayla Maroney... But I think she would be unimpressed."

"I heard there are only 140 characters allowed on Twitter, but that can't be true. I've been on there before - almost everyone is a character."

"Deathblade the Biker Gang leader ran over a land mine. He died like he rode: all over the place."

"This is your captain speaking THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING"