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Joke of the Day

"""and god said LET THERE BE BUTTS and there were butts nice warm jiggly butts everywhere on every human"" - me 2:16"

"Autocorrect is like my girlfriend. It always changes what I said to something I didn't mean."

"I've been clicking ""remind me later"" on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I'm not interested?"

"I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility."

"Heisenberg is driving down the highway and gets pulled over by a cop... Cops says, ""Do you have any idea how fast you were going."" Heisenberg says, ""No, but I know exactly where I am."""

"Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says ""if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."" ""anything"" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic."

"Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response: Sherbert!"

"If someone is cramping your style, Tell they, go masturbate elsewhere you pedophile!"

"What is Stephen Hawking's favorite snack? His left shoulder"

"If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me."