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Joke of the Day

"The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat"

"Why did Jesus lose his Halo? Nobody wanted to play on his team any longer after he had a 0 and 2 kill/death ratio and it took him 3 days to respawn."

"Husband Wife Funny Wife: ""What are you doing?"" Husband : Nothing. Wife : ""Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."" Husband : ""I was looking for the expiration date."""

"A WOMAN IS ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING! Being an equal partner in a loving relationship."

"Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body."

"I think it's weird that characters in comic strips always recite the alphabet to fall asleep... ...But it's even weirder that they always time it exactly fucking perfect."

"I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up. I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type."

"Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!"

"We get about 25 screaming 5 yr old little girls together to scream nonstop at terrorists, BOOM, we win the War on Terror!"

"If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper ""I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world"" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head."