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Joke of the Day

"New rule for football: when a player is at the bottom of a pile after being tackled everyone on top has to whisper to him a compliment"

"My last relationship was a Forest Gump I was retarded and she was a whore"

"we lost our power ""why?"" a transformer blew up by our house *eyes widen* ""that's awes-"" it's not as cool as it sounds"

"[wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS"

"What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead."

"I had a joke about the Jonestown massacre...... But the punch line was too long."

"Why does the zoo only have dogs? Because they shot the gorilla"

"""Keep pumping until something happens."" -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood."

"I love the metric system. It's the best by an absolute 1.6km"

"Roses are red... Violets are violet. I'm not original, I stole this from reddit."