124396

Joke of the Day

"""Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!"" -Vin Diesel eating a purse"

"I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me."

"What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play? a conundrum"

"Possession is nine-tenths of the law. The other tenth must be exorcism."

"What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was? George Lucas."

"What do methheads and Mormons have in common? They both ride bikes and go on missions."

"I am opening a new restaurant... ...called ""Whatever. I Don't Care"". Gonna make a killing on date night."

"When you give someone a present, unless you say ""open it"", they're legally not allowed to look inside."

"Rick Astley is such a nice guy. He'll let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up."

"Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day. Note to self, stop saying that pickup lines to the girls in wheelchairs."