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Joke of the Day

"Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me."

"OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!! ME: OMG *clutches guns* [7 years later] ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever"

"picked up a bag of 98% reduced fat chips at the store today there were only 2 damn chips in the bag"

"I'll eat when I'm dead - zombies"

"There's these 3 old ladies sitting on a bench. A guy comes up in a trench coat and flashes the 3 ladies. The first one has a stroke. The second one has a stroke. The third one couldn't reach."

"[job interview] ""You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means."" ""Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."""

"Here, have my marionette set. ""Cool. How much for it?"" Just take it ""For free? What's the catch?"" No strings attached. ""You son of a bit.."""

"Why couldn't the spotty cat chase the sheep? Because her Mum wouldn't leopard be a shepherd"

"Have you heard the new Google Glass ad? You can talk to your mate while they are sitting on you face!"

"My first ever degree... ...is in measuring angles!"