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Joke of the Day

"What did the tomato say to the peach? ""Nice pits."""

"I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for beastiality... Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse."

"I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me."

"What do you call a russian tree? Dimitree"

"Hey, man. You used no capital letters and only one exclamation point to wish me happy birthday on Facebook. Is everything okay at home?"

"You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'"

"Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle? He was stumped."

"Mr friend broke her hand today :( But on the other hand she's okay :)!"

"Sometimes relationships last longer when Facebook doesn't know about them."

"I can't believe I'm in class on Presidents' Day. This is an obamanation."