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Joke of the Day

"My OCD requires me to slit the throats of people who sing Christmas songs to themselves out loud in quiet workplaces. The Cops understand."

"What do you get when you have a blonde do a handstand? A brunette with bad breath."

"Accuracy ##You miss 100% of the shits you don't take. Made this typo and thought it was hilarious..."

"A grasshopper walks into a bar The bartender immediately says, ""Hey! We got a drink named after you!"" The grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says, ""You've got a drink named Leonard?"""

"""You hang UP."" ""No, YOU hang UP."" - Movie theater workers arguing about hanging movie poster for Up."

"What's the best thing about having sex with 23 year olds? There's twenty of them."

"Coke is like porn you keep coming back for more! :)"

"If I ever get a dog I'm going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine."

"I really want to make a joke about Luis Suarez but I don't want to upset Liverpool fans.F*ck it. Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt? Because he lives in Liverpool."

"Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels."