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Joke of the Day

"Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft"

"Why was Dracula always willing to help young vampires? Because he liked to see new blood in the business."

"Why did the homeless women keep flies in a plastic bottle? That was her vibrator."

"Clocks in Heaven"

"There's no I in you. Yet."

"*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy."

"Just finished typing this tweet."

"ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: ""Holy shit that was amazing!"" COMMENTATOR: ""Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself."""

"Have you heard the one about the jump rope? Meh... Just skip it."

"I just ordered a pair of 24"" socks They're two feet. (this actually happened)"