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Joke of the Day

"Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver... the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it."

"the greatest joke of all time. my life"

"Someone told me I am bad at driving I told them that if they didn't like my driving, they should get off the sidewalk."

"So much traffic around the funeral home... I guess it's not a dying business."

"*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*"

"Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ? So that they can pack the defence !"

"Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time."

"Why couldn't the philosopher make a living? He made no sense. I tried, I really did."

"I was doing the dishes and i realized.. If we could cover our Military vehicles in dried egg yolk we would be unstoppable."

"I was arrested for stealing shoes... I just wanted to pay less at Payless!"