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Joke of the Day

"Was Billy Idol? No, he was moving at the time."

"What do fat people call the runs? The walks"

"At this late date, the only way I'm gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone."

"UR MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT JEALOUS."

"Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there's no dental records."

"I told the barista my name was ""Britney Spears"" just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with ""annoying white girl"" written on it instead"

"12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son."

"Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich"

"Why do mimes always lose arguments? They don't have a say in anything!"

"As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don't like people."