carlin Quotes

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”