carlin Quotes

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”