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Joke of the Day

"I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week..."

"My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves."

"Why did the scarecrow get the Nobel prize? He was out standing in his field."

"I asked Santa for a Frisbee when I was a kid.... But I was an only child, so he gave me a boomerang."

"I've seen such a change in myself this past year. I've really grown a lot. I need bigger pants"

"What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread? Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread? Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time? a rye-ot"

"Hitler started the first ever Jewish Marathon.. But he couldn't finish the race"

"Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are."

"Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs."

"Why was the student witch so bad at essays? Because she couldn't spell properly."