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Joke of the Day
"[First date] Me: So, I've been married for 12 years - Him: You're married?? Me: Is that a problem?"
Next Joke
"If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too."
"If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam, it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher. Edit: grammar"
"- What do we want? - A cure for ADD! - When do we want it? - Ducks. I liked a movie. I'm hungry."
"What's easier to pick up the heavier it is? A girl."
"phone call Wife: Want a free couch? Me: Free? Yes! Wife: How do we pick it up? Me: Lift with your legs, not your back. Wife: *click*"
"My grandfather's broken watch is just as relevant today as it was in the 50s It's a timeless piece, really."
"I'm a party animal... because when I go to parties I end up pissing on the floor"
"How do aliens pay for their coffees? With Starbucks!"
"How is toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise alike? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons."