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Joke of the Day

"You know what isn't a joke? Hitlers gas bill."

"What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds? Exit the European Union."

"If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it's my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it's in the Bible."

"I've been pro-immigration but if one more Mexican restaurant tries to charge me for chips and salsa, the deal's fucking off. Comprende?"

"The past, the present and the future had a meeting. It was tense in there."

"I lost my mood ring this morning... I don't even know how i feel about this."

"[Shipwreck Diary] Day 29: worried I'm losing track of time Day 4: nope. I'm fine"

"Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing."

"A dad asks 4-year-old son: ""How'd you sleep last night?"" Son says: ""umm... With my eyes closed?"" Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl."

"I'll have you know my grandfather was killed by a Nazi. He committed suicide"