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Joke of the Day

"""My friend got me a Fitbit"" ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho ""u can buy them online"" ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?"

"Confession: I'm a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!"

"Superb Waiter Our waiter went above and beyond his job description. He brought a lot to the table."

"I think the real reason men don't lactate is because we would just be irresponsible and squirt each other with it."

"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who gets shit and pissed on all the time? John"

"If you pee on a cop Urine trouble. (Credit to my bff)"

"I ate an apple and jerked off with the core in my ass But not in that order"

"What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts"

"I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I'll go back to paper!"

"I was wondering why the night had to be this long... ...Then it dawned upon me."