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Joke of the Day

"So I was fucking my daughter last night... when my wife walked in. I don't know what she was more surprised by: the fact that I was fucking our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep it."

"How does an accountant relieve his constipation? He works it out with a pencil"

"What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books? If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein."

"What do you call a mentally retarded chef? A slow cooker"

"What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a homeless man who works at McDonalds? One of those greasy bums is making a lot more money."

"If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman."

"each Subway franchise owns a tiny shred of Jared's fat pants. if you pay $50 you may gaze at the relic"

"When summer comes and California starts burning, try to act surprised."

"Bruce Willis overdosed on Viagra before comitting suicide He died hard"

"[job interview] ""So why do you want to be a jeweler?"" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies"