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Joke of the Day

"Someone that knows three languages is multilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language? An American."

"Q: Have you heard the one about the witch's broom? A: It's sweeping the valley. (That one usually floors me, but I'm going to brush it aside before I'm swept away with laughter.)"

"Me, Myself & Irene What would be the movie called if it were about you? You Yourself & Urine."

"I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected This economy is ruthless."

"I'm not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won't make eye contact with me."

"My doctor wasn't amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said One hundred and fat"

"What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? The prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again."

"*takes 400 selfies to find one I think is good enough to post* caption: Just a random quick shot, I love capturing these special moments"

"Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn't see one celebrity. Rip-off!"

"Hey girl, are you a derivative function? Cuz I wanna be tangent to your curves."