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Joke of the Day

"I have reached a stage where I'm looking for a real eye opener for a girl friend. It would be a nice change because all my previous girl friends were Asian."

"I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology. I told my doctor, ""I think I'm addicted to Twitter."" He replied, ""I don't follow you."""

"I'm going to get a job at a liquor store just so I can card people & see who's lying about how much they weigh on their ID."

"FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!"

"Why did the rope get put in timeout? Because he was very knotty."

"Fucked this girl for an hour and 30 seconds last night Thanks daylight savings!"

"occupation: the family disappointment"

"ME: I lied in my interview. BOSS: what was the lie? ME: all lies. except about my aunt. BOSS: she wants to party with me? ME: big time."

"I refuse to text and drive... I always end up spilling my beer."

"*sees a fly* ahhh *trying to swat fly* nooo *gives up* well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol FLY: *hands me a tiny check* ME: wat the"