200964

Joke of the Day

"Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That's like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house."

"Success... Is like being pregnant. Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you got fucked."

"What is the difference between a dead hooker and an onion? You cry when you cut up the onion."

"Wanna hear a funny joke? Womens rights."

"WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids."

"MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles* ME: that supposed to intimidate me? *his fingers start to glow like glowsticks* ME: k I'm scared but thats rad"

"I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog."

"""I'm a skeleton!"" *kisses and hugs you* Stop that! *kisses and hugs you again* What kind of skeleton are you?!? ""An XO skeleton"""

"I like taking pictures with my friends but my mom says she didn't raise a thief"

"Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling ""LET THE BEETS DROP!"" And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable."