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Joke of the Day

"I got a fitbit to get a sense for my activity level After a few days of wearing it, it asked if I was a tree"

"Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it's true that zombies won't eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT."

"Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment."

"Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would."

"My sister would make a great politician... ...she avoids directly answering questions and always leads the blame to someone else, whether she has proof or not."

"I'm having an out-of-money experience."

"3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone."

"My professor asked me to define narcissism I said ""It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."""

"Yo mama so fat She's a reddit admin"

"*cop approaches me* ""have u seen this girl?"" *holds up photo* ""yeah I've seen her, NAKED"" *hi-5* ""haha but seriously shes in my trunk"""