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Joke of the Day

"The Atom and the Cation The Atom says to the Cation, ""who's in charge around here?"" Cation: ""I am!"" Atom: ""Are you sure?"" Cation: ""I'm positive!"""

"accidentally just walked halfway into a hug intended for someone else on the sidewalk maybe can't leave house ever again"

"What's the difference between a raccoon and a boner? I don't have a raccoon."

"There is simply no need to add ""NSFW"" in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs."

"[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances"

"One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic"

"Really, nobody in America won last night. The Mega Millions jackpot went up to $63 million."

"Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me."

"I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive."

"What did the confused Mackem say when he discovered that he was smack bang in the middle of Newcastle? I'm in the middle of *no Wear*"