169573

Joke of the Day

"Who needs a security system when you can just Google Earth your house and keep hitting refresh."

"The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. ""Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"""

"The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing."

"Two muffins are baking in the oven. One looks at the other and says ""it sure is getting hot in here, whew!"" The other muffin looks back and says ""Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"""

"This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news."

"I'm sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I'm only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin."

"It's the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube."

"What did the Belgian Nazis call themselves? The Waffle S.S."

"[first date] Boy: so where are you from? Me: [points to all you can eat sign] I live here now."

"Someone stole all the toilets from Scotland Yard Police have nothing to go on."