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Joke of the Day

"Never bring a dildo to a knife fight."

"Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team"

"I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in three years... I don't have 2020 vision!"

"Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy. I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes."

"Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*"

"Knock. Knock knock. Knock knock knock. Knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there? Fibonacci."

"Why do they call him shitman? His name is steven hitman"

"Someone from Cairo unfollowed me today which makes me think he must've really hated my tweets to find a way to get on the web to do it."

"People from the UK have been exercising more. They've lost a few pounds."

"Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu."