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Joke of the Day

"I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful."

"A married man and his friend are talking. Friend: how's your daughter? Man: we haven't had one yet. Friend: after last night, you will in 9 months."

"My high school bully just made my McDouble, so I guess I won; but then again I am eating at McDonald's so I guess it's a tie."

"Physics! What hurts really bad? Frequency!"

"Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet"

"How do Japanese Chihuahuas say hello? Konichihuahua."

"How do you make a pole angry? Deport him."

"What do you call a preacher with an erection? A firm believer"

"Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it."""

"[giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs."