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Joke of the Day

"Last week I got a vibrator stuck inside of me so I went to the doctors... ...this morning when the batteries went flat"

"Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons."

"Why can't Iron Man stay in a steady relationship? He has rust issues."

"Mechanic: that's gonna cost $2000 Me: how much? Mechanic: $3000 Me: what did you say before that Mechanic: I said ""that's gonna cost"""

"Instead of complaining that it's hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now."

"I don't think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic."

"[interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now"

"On April 16, 2017, a small French city will detach from the surface of the Earth and fly into space, killing everyone. It's just Toulouse."

"I got pulled over by a female police officer.When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said...""NOTHING!"""

"I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits. The other 7 glasses are just for me."