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Joke of the Day

"[texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)"

"Why was there so much chaos at the sperm bank? Because it was first cum first serve."

"Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed."

"My skills Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life."

"Stevie Wonder was in a horrendous car accident the other week. His life flashed before his ears."

"They say the best way to prepare your kids for loss in later life is to have pets. So I bought a puppy and shot it in front of them. I'm not having my kids growing up damaged."

"Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary? Because they'll always have the last word."

"What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? ""I love you a ton!"""

"How many Mexicans does it take to pave a driveway? Six, if you slice them thin enough."

"Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?"