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Joke of the Day

"Instagram couldn't complete your request at this time because nobody cares about your Sunday brunch."

"I'm a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I'm fat."

"If Netflix asks if you're still watching, tell the truth. I didn't & missed the first time my Netflix rode a bicycle on its own"

"One fish, two fish, red fish WHO LEFT THEIR BLOODY TAMPON IN THE FUCKING FISHBOWL?"

"hey you guys... ...""homo erectus"""

"I prefer women with big breathing problems than big breasts. I'm an asthma-n."

"Why did Dracula's mother give him cough syrup? Because Dracula was coffin. Source: A Laffy Taffy wrapper."

"What do mentally retarded parents give their kids? Hand me Downs."

"Three goats walked into a Stop N Shop."

"What wine pairs best with this bomb-ass Nokia ringtone"