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Joke of the Day

"Me: i'll have a beer Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again"

"Roses are brown... Violets are brown... Wait...Who shat in my garden?"

"How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report."

"Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise."

"How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? Because it comes out in conversation"

"What do you call a paraplegic archer? Legolas."

"OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS!!! 1): Hold your breath for 5 minutes 2): Die"

"Gandalf is the new head coach of the Seattle Seahawks"

"Curious about sex"

"My insomnia has it's own toothbrush in my bathroom."