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Joke of the Day

"All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed"

"I'd sit on Ellen Pao's face... ... Just so I wouldn't have to look at it."

"this joke off right. Oh! I wish I could go back in time and start"

"Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on."

"Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch."

"How do you keep a bunch of redditors in suspense? I'll post the punchline later."

"So there's an innuendo competition on in town next weekend..... I was thinking of entering my sister."

"What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C."

"DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person? ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I'm just a person, what bullshit question is this"

"A man walked into an appliance store and asked the clerk, ""Do you sell color televisions?"" ""Yes,"" said the clerk. The man replied, ""Then give me a green one."""