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Joke of the Day

"Where's my cell? ""Right there."" That's not my phone. ""Yes it is. I cleaned it!"" My cell's white?"

"[on Instagram] I don't really like this picture but, good for this person for still being alive and experiencing things. *likes their pic*"

"Yeah, that's it. I was an hour late for work because I forgot to adjust my clocks. That is also why I smell like liquor."

"As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself ............I'm gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute.."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!"

"A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers."

"How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal? They're both famous for stuffing baskets!"

"Girl: How much is a soft drink ? Waitress: Fifty cents. Girl: How much is refill ? Waitress: The first is free. Girl: Well then I'll have a refill."

"Go to the attic. Use either the stairs or some second method. Do you choose the former or the ladder?"

"What is it called when your s.o. comes up with reasons to not make love? Sexcuses"