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Joke of the Day

"And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first."

"Why do so many new brides get crow's feet as soon as they're married? From squinting and saying, ""Suck what?"""

"Feeling sick at work. Subway to the bus-$5 Bus to commuter lot-$2 Puking in my car-$0 Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless"

"What is a pirates favorite article of clothing? His sc*aaarrrr*f Edit: I get it guys, you all have better punchlines than me."

"You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt."

"My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries."

"Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? She was a woman."

"This is a really offensive football joke... So the defense won't get it."

"[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*"

"Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less."