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Joke of the Day

"To this day, no song pumps me up as much as the theme from 'Bill Nye the Science Guy.'"

"To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on."

"I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she's a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness."

"The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting Then it brought me down"

"Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary? It's a great play on words."

"My son complained to me that his yogurt was too soupy. I told him to suck it up."

"Who picks up the guide dog's shit No one since they turn a blind eye."

"I just fired my liquid measurement calibration manager He had really poor litership skills."

"You could introduce a raccoon to a walrus as ""my Grandpa Steven,"" and neither would bat an eye. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT ANIMALS."

"Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they're obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?"